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That goes double for the best movie sex scenes. And sometimes they involve puppets. This, then, is a celebration of the rainbow panoply of crotch-smushing that has provided some of the most memorable cinema of the past half-century. Spoiler alert: Jane breaks the machine.

Who's Coming? Jane Fonda What's Happening? Fonda's being tortured in the Excessive Machine. Kevin Kline What's Happening? Kline's dirtbag is going to spasmodic, over-the-top pound town on Jamie Lee Curtis. Sylvester Stallone What's Happening? Sly delivers a perfectly O-shaped pleasure-face in a future where no sexy touching is allowed. Tom Hanks What's Happening? While trying not to look at Robin Wright's boobs, our greatest living actor ejaculates helplessly into a towel.

Joan Allen What's Happening? Maggie Gyllenhaal What's Happening? A lot of fucked-up stuff! Maggie Gyllenhaal has lots of orgasms. Also: Wears a saddle. The plenty infamous sex scene between Julie Christie and Donald Sutherland grew even infamous-er when a journalist claimed that he watched them actually bone on the set of Don't Look Now.

GQ lawyers: They didn't have sex! What was the one on the stairwell? A History of Violence! But why stop revealing myself now? There was no carpet on the stairs. We were bruised messes the next day. Even then, as a teenager, I thought, Why is she wearing her shirt? But this sex might as well have been happening at Ann Taylor. Maybe it was. One thing we get right that Hollywood gets wrong is the placement.

The sex scene in Twilight was especially awful. Top this for movie trauma—I dare you. On my left is my high school girlfriend, and as for the woman on my right, may I introduce…my mother?

My girlfriend? All nude scenes designed specifically for boys seeing a nude scene for the first time. Sorry, I've gotta run to the bathroom. Also: foreplay in drag. This was a tough one. Because we all know the answer is really Michael Douglas. So the question becomes: Which was the most memorable, sexy-insane lady that Douglas lay opposite in The Douglas Decade mid-'80s to mid-'90s? Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Demi Moore in Disclosure? Or Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct?

It's not the interrogation scene that does it for Stone. That's not even sex. Rather, it's the ice-pick fucking sequences that tip the scales. When you stab someone while straddling them, they call it Basic Cowgirl. Ain't that right, Shooter? Do we exist purely physically for each other? And that scene, it makes me cry—not like, what an amazing actor I am, but just thinking about these two characters. They really are that terrified of the world. Take the scene in which young Kim Cattrall, a.

The relentless baying seemed involuntary, and I wondered if this was based on some weird but real physiological condition. The sweet thing about so many on-screen threesomes is that they proceed from a place of generosity.

Of helpfulness. Of love. Then everybody goes fucking nuts with jealousy. The unrated version is especially hysterical. The music is all sax-y. Swamp Thing? The main obstacle to Happily Ever After is that she also wants to devour you and eliminate weak men. Masters of Sex: Watch people watch other people watch other other people doing it for science. Outlander: World War II nurse magically winds up in 18thcentury Scotland, then sexually educates ginger Highlander virgin. This one was part bone, part brawl. And apparently it left some bruises.

Michael Douglas. But, Well, It Isn't.



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